You mean to tell me I get some daylight on my way to work AND on my way back home now. #DaylighSavingTime

“Devour feculence” I’m using that from now on 😅 #severance

Me if I went back in time and brought a PowerPoint presentation to Moses explaining the benefits of freeing Israel with bar charts. Including a laser pointer of course

Thank you Mr Rogan for sending so many thousands here to see my posts. More will be coming after the week of interviews I have lined up. Love to you all.

Temps are rising, which means **grilling season** is just around the corner! Whether you're firing up burgers, hot dogs, or steaks, #CountyQue is the perfect way to spice things up. A bold fusion of hot sauce & BBQ sauce, packed with rich, smoky heat & deep flavor.

Get me to God’s country

When I’m 75 I wanna do Richard Branson stuff

“The whole ‘I don’t mean to be cliché’ is becoming cliche” - Pamela Nason …my wife

Science is cool and all, but nothing is more astronomically amazing as to how a fitted sheet will engulf everything in the dryer and fold itself into several knots like a giant python, making you spend 30min unraveling it

Me from now on anytime my server at a restaurant asks me how my food is: “Lunge-tastic!” Thank you David Coulthard #BahrainGP

In freeze dance, it’s not real freeze until your eyes are bugged out and look to the left 👀

Absolutely no one: Coffee nerds trying to make small talk:

If you don’t have an umbrella, no worries, just duck your head while you walk and guaranteed rain won’t touch you.

After all the cat fights, what reunites my daughters to stand together in one cause? Dress to Impress

I judge people in cafes who pull out their 17in laptops and their rats-nest of cables and mouse from their bag.

I haven’t been diagnosed, but I just referred Google Maps as “The Google Map” to someone. What does that mean?

Family vacation started: “Yes! Finally!” Car problems that never existed: “And…Begin!”

I’m telling my kids this is Susie and Toto