[Flat-earth expedition log] Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

The new American dream is getting abducted by aliens.

Me: I think I'm going deaf Doctor: When did the symptoms start? Me: Some time in the late 80s but Homer sounded really different then

I could’ve gotten all the necessary ingredients for this salad dressing on 2, maybe 3, islands.

i can’t believe that people still need to be told this

I’m wearing a sundress. -Me, flirting.

art surrounds us

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Im so excited to get some pussy tonight I mean, it's my own but still

What is one thing in life you would choose, if you knew that you couldn't fail? For me, it would be easy. I would choose you.

stop being a fucking Mary and rub some dirt on it ~ me as a therapist

You strike me like one of those weirdos who uses paper towels to blow their nose...

having sex with the tooth fairy and she’s feelin around under my pillow

I chimed in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!" God: *frustrated* When a door closes then I have to get up to open a window. It never ends with you people.