Keeping my hospital bracelet on so I can get back in without paying again.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

I’m driving a rental car for the week. Why are they always like the description in an Amber Alert? White Chevy Malibu last seen heading west…

I should be able to get a burger a 9:30 in the morning. Free country my ass.

I hate conflict resolution. There's a small part of me that would rather just be mad forever than talk about it.

If you didn’t see it last night, this is the best performance I’ve ever seen on late night TV. Take this video, edit it, share it, and let’s take this song all the way to the top!🔥

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it? me: yeah, I’ve seen it

I’m going to buy a Christmas tree so big that people will think I must be compensating for something.

hr lady said she found out recently a word she’s been using casually was offensive and my coworker and I are so pissed she won’t tell us or give any hints

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

If what you’re bringing to my house requires you to cook it here, just don’t

Yelling at babies ain’t the way Houston.

Great food, great service at the Chef’s Table at State of Grace. What a brilliant young chef you raised Rachel.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

the body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody of christ compels you

My family wants me to please stop calling myself “the fluffer” while setting up the Christmas tree.

When I dropped my rosary in the confessional and blurted, “Goddammit,” the priest snapped, “Jesus, Annie.” Then we talked about college football.

undercover cops are so corny bro just be yourself

I only lost a few followers to the post election exodus. I can only assume it’s because I’m witty and likable and tweet like twice a month.