If you buy the fake heroin from the smoke shop enough times the Indian store clerk asks you if you like watching dog fighting

Stuck in the elevator and started the pee corner way too early for everyone apparently

Telling everyone at thanksgiving dinner I brought chicken kisses and then slapping them when they ask me what those are.

I’ve got TDS (ticklish dick syndrome)

Commenting “nightmare blunt rotation” on my ex’s family Thanksgiving photo

Mcdonalds should be pitch black inside

(Q) Do you know how to tell if a politician is lying? (A) They’re fucking breathing. Regardless of party.

Reading Trump’s essay about 3rd world migration where he calls Tim Walz a retard (real) while eating my 6th slide of pumpkin pie

Me Black Friday shopping at my neighbors house while they’re Black Friday shopping at the mall

Thought this was a Saturday night live skit

Masturbating while humming the nightmare before christmas song out of tune

“I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL BITCH” - me to the 74 year old Walmart cashier who gave me the wrong change back.

my stepdad started selling pictures of his thighs to pay the rent

Everybody wants to see the Epstein files released but I just wanna see the whopper go back to 99 cents

2026 GNC: “Hey we got the latest FDA compliant C4 formula. Can we interest you in some white labeled whey?” 2010 GNC: “DO METH AND DRINK 5k CALORIES YOU FUCKING TWINK”

Killing myself while on the phone with the suicide hotline guy so he feels like it’s his fault

Telling the police officer he’s on stolen land when he tries giving me a DUI

If a Waffle House employee loses three fights in a row, they’re forced to turn in their apron and retire.

Netflix and chill? Nah we gonna watch FernGully and fuck