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Secret Service Job Interview

At Wawa I got an Earl Grey tea with Irish Cream. I call it The Troubles

Is the guy from top gun’s brother

Maybe this will change with Paralympics

It's $200 a person to dine at top of One World Trade Center on 9/11. Wtf. They should be paying ME

Why does the citizens bank app have jason kelce high fiving a dog

I think this says goodcock every time

*MJ Lenderman Voice* I got a wristwatch that tells me…it’s past my bed time

What if Moo Deng gets Harambe-d

nobody will remember: - your salary - how “busy you were” - how many hours you worked people will remember: - the joke formats you tried weeks too late - the joke formats you can never quite grasp - pooping your pants during music round at quizzo

#RedOctober

If you give me a wireless mic i will immediately leave the stage and say “the fox is in the henhouse”

Girlfriend hates how much i practiced this around her

Need to stop having 10 beers and going on ebay

Gf gets mad when i fall asleep during movies like girl channel that negative energy into tucking me in! Swaddle my ass i dont need to see how Trap ends