felt so good to have the beginning middle and end of a crush all in one sitting at the bar again

Newt Gingrich may have officially dropped out, but he will never be forgotten. Take care of yourself, Newt ... um, I want to say, Gretzky?

Highschool : "I wish every minute of life were as passionate as making out" Now : "I wish making out was a thing...that happens"

I bet an assassin is like "NOOOO!" if he opens his new assignment envelope & there's a picture of a little tiger cub in it.

My kids are gonna be named after Ben Stiller characters so that I never feel bad about not watching them.

Nothing lets you know how much someone is fucking more than their shoes.

pretty sure taking painkillers with beer & coffee concentrate is the opposite of eating a banana first ...sorry mom

7yo Charlotte writes an adorable and strongly worded letter to LEGO regarding the lack of adventures for girls.

When will there be Doritos for MEN