🎵 Did you ever know that you’re my hero? And everything I would like to be I could fly higher than an eagle For you are the lift-producing low-pressure region above my wings 🎵

#Prince

Lex Luther: There’s no escape, Superman. Me as Superman: [turns around to show him my “S” cape] Otis: lmao we’re all going to jail

There’s an alternate reality version of me who never has to pay out of pocket for medical services because I have metaversal health care.

My 10 year old son just told me that I need to have everything back in black because I have OCDC. 💀

I had a great time being a contestant on Murray Valeriano’s show, For What It’s Worth… Watch me do not-great but have fun! youtu.be/FOzEuikKPjY

“Being the early worm, though, that’s bad. So only be early if you’re a bird-ish person. Otherwise, if you’re worm-like, maybe wait a little.” —Muriel Cornwater, D.D.

If the new self-driving Tesla can move itself to the other side of the street on Thursdays from 8am-10am, it’ll pay for itself. #streetcleaning

How many times do I have to tell you people—Muslims are not allergic to pork. Pork is Not our kryptonite. But chocolate offends us immensely. Whatever you do, don't send lots and lots of chocolate to the following address: Qasim Rashid PO Box 303 Stafford, Virginia 22554-0303

“As I always say, you must always go with only one of the two choices that someone has presented you.”

I feel like the only reason why Americans are so divided is that dividing Americans is a for-profit, multi-billion dollar transnational industry that never sleeps.

Watch some of “Don’t Look Up” and then immediately scroll through the posts tagged with #ClimateCrisis. It’s like having the girl from The Ring climb out of your very own TV.

I’ve had the pleasure of previewing this book, and it is GREAT! So clever and weird and well-written. (Also a bit creepy, though in a clever, weird, and well-written way.) I’ve preordered mine from Skylight Books in LA. I recommend you do the same!

Someone I admire has passed away at too young an age. Gustafer Yellowgold’s Morgan Taylor was a brilliant musician and storyteller, and he had one of the most inspiring and creative acts I’ve ever seen. Also, he was cool & smart & funny. RIP Morgan. Long Live Gustafer Yellowgold 💛

A Taco Tuesday is not a Sandwich Tuesday.

Perhaps you have a drafts folder in your Twitter app of choice full of jokes or ideas that you never posted? Now may be the time to do a quick comb-through before they become kipple.

IN CASE THIS IS IT: Thanks for all the laughs Twitter friends. I do love you guys. If you’d like to see me continue to barely post, I’m @mphirm on IG. See you at the next one! ❤️

My gut response is train b/c it’s cozy and you can walk around. But once teleporting has entered the call, I’d say turning into an eagle. However! If, once I turn into an eagle, I have to carry my clothes & wallet & phone, then that’s less soar and more schlep. So… train.

Tom Lehrer has put all his songs online (including lyrics & sheet music), and given away all rights to them. The site will only be up for a limited time. This is a very niche tweet that will make a small segment of people very happy. tomlehrersongs.com

Sometimes when God closes a door, He opens it again. Because that’s like the whole point of doors.