I have nothing to declare but you’ve got your fog lamps on. THERE’S NO FOG! #AccidentalPartridge

Is this thing on? *taps mike*

Prediction: 14th October 2028 will be a busy day at the Deed Poll office: announcements.telegraph.co.uk/births/155318/…

Story of the day: Hollywood director attacked with air conditioner. Must be the first time the fan's hit the shit. bit.ly/16hU0U5

Cannot believe they've made a movie about Paul Potts. It's like the whole Cambodia thing never happened.

#Overheard "My parsnip dauphinoise has collapsed."

Looking forward to saga of slightly camp 900-year-old man on BBC1 tonight. #Strictlycomedancing

Idea for movie: 'Vogue' singer learns how to link YouTube files. Working title: Embed With Madonna. #Cannes2015

Got to write a pitch for searing new police procedural set on Tyneside, if only to call it Howay Five-O.

New #JamesBond movie announced. I may need to double-check this.

Hey John Oliver why are you standing for the Labour party leadership? Homesick?

La Hainault #NightTubeFilms BFI

Tottenham Hale Caesar #NightTubeFilms BFI

I'm rewriting Breaking Bad for the Italians. Working title: Meth in Venice.