Just played the devil’s game (ordered big iced coffee while wearing white dress) and lost (splashed coffee all over myself) Attempted the fool’s solution (tried to wash dress in starbucks bathroom sink) and made it worse (white cotton dress now see-through + soaking wet)

bro your puerile brand of reflexive contrarianism is scaring the hoes

Woke up to this text from my little brother this morning

Inés said I look like this in the first one 😭

You’re laughing? The consensual waterboarding at vibe camp turned into a covid superspreader event and you’re laughing???

Who up looking through their popular knapsack with many different locations

Pearl: can you get us a whiteboard eraser on amazon please? Me: ok. do you care if it’s ugly? Pearl: no Me: ok i’ll get this yellow one Pearl: WHAT????????

rooftop Scarface with Inés and Pearl… is a VIBE

A swiss supplements company stole one of my tweets from 2022 and has been using it in their ads with the face of some random hot girl photoshopped over my profile pic 💀💀💀 Details in link below

My five year plan is to get diagnosed with the rare but treatable thing that explains me

Schrödinger’s cat, Chekhov’s gun, Murphy’s law, and let’s not forget Molotov’s cocktail. I just think it’s nice all these guys get to have a little something of their own

Sometimes when my gf is getting dressed she’ll be like ‘what should I wear’ and I’m always like idk babe I think you look cute no matter what! wear whatever feels right to you ☺️ ✨💕💐🫶🌈 and then she’s like no bitch!!! 😤you’re the one who has to look at me all day 😠

OMFG I updated my phone and I LOST ALL OF MY TWITTER DRAFTS. every single one is GONE. YEARS of my precious inane bullshit LOST PERMANENTLY. FOREVER. There are no words for a grief like this thank you for your support and for respecting my family’s privacy at this difficult time

What if you accidentally DELETED ALL YOUR DRAFTS and your gf was GOING AWAY FOR A WEEK at a work retreat and you couldn’t afford a PLANE TICKET TO NEW YORK FOR EAG and you just realized the baristas at the starbucks you go to every day think YOUR NAME IS CAROL

Checking how much battery charge your airpods have for some reason

Thanks for attending EAG NY! Please take the time to fill out a quick feedback survey: 1. Was I normal enough 2. From 1-10 how normal was I 3. Were there any experiences in which you perceived me to be unpleasant, loud in a not charming way, rly annoying or not normal enough