An Atheist, a Vegan, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes.

I think using chocolate as a spoon to eat cake after going to the gym kinda defeats the purpose

The only time I use yahoo search engine is to search "Google"

.GOP How can we encourage kids suffocated by student loan debt to turn to violent crime so we can fill private prisons with them?

"Did your hair look like that all day?" ".... Yeah?" "Oh. You still make good tips?" #ThanksMom

If by "bring glory to His name" you mean "kick the shit out of that loathsome bastard Floyd Mayweather", then yes.

Waka Flocka Officially Enters The 2016 Race For The White House dify.me/1IEmY4n

#OneNationUnderSquad

The amount of times I get called Ed Sheeran on a regular basis is getting out of hand

The coolest thing about being a girl would definitely be the supersonic hearing & mind-reading powers you get when you become a mom.

"You don't look at all like you just spent a week in Mexico" - Everyone today #PastyKidProblems

Can't wait to tap tmrw's cask of Coffee Infused Brown Ale from Alley Kat Brewing featuring Transcend Coffee. #yegbeer

Me as a cop: I bet you're wondering why I pulled you over? Well I see you have a dog and I was wondering if I could pet it

You can actually guess the number of buttons a dude has open on his shirt based on how far away you can smell his cologne from #EauDuDouche

"I make way too much money to be drunk in the middle of the street" - some drunk guy in the middle of the street

Edmonton is up there for the best show of the tour thus far. So ridiculous.

My life in a vine vine.co/v/OerXmx5bL2U