When you live with messy people and bang on about how messy they are all the time, there’s nothing more infuriating than tripping over something, getting angry then realising you stacked it over the one thing YOU left out.

If you’ve never been ivory hunting, honestly, you should give it a go. It’s so easy; they don’t even notice you’re there. They’re too busy playing the piano.

Before they were on the news, did anyone else think an ‘XL bully’ was just a d*ckhead that shopped at Jacamo?

Whenever I feel down I get jealous of lactose intolerant people. Because they have hands down got the most delicious ways of self harming.

Wishing someone ‘Happy Halloween’ goes against the spirit of the celebration. A more appropriate sentiment is ‘I hope you get so scared you soil yourself and cry’.. But that will get you banned from the family pumpkin patch.

Anyone remember the Reebok ‘BELLY GONNA GET YA’ adverts? A giant belly chasing some skinny bloke round the streets of London. Now, is it just me or is that suspiciously similar to the plot of Baby Reindeer?

Anyone else do their food shopping in the reduced aisle while their wife sits at home planning holidays on a SpaceX budget?

“Why do you deadlift?” “Oh, I’m training to untuck a Travelodge duvet.”

I guess that’s one way to harden him up..

“We’ll have to get that drone strike on tick til Thursday..”

I’ve been working on this joke about overthinking for about five months now..

“Tonight’s top stories; scaffolders and recruitment companies win war for Russia.”

Can’t beat a military gig mate; “RSM said if you don’t laugh you’re on guard. The ball is in your court lads. Now, here’s some average jokes.”

“Nah f*ck Santa, I got you these!”

News headlines on social media; “NEW STUDY REVEALS FINDINGS THAT SPARK FURY AMONGST STUDENTS” The story; “Hogwarts not a real school.”

lol

Had a couple people message this weekend saying it’s time to start posting on X.. 😅😂 here we go 👍

Pretty chilled weekend

Didn’t last long.

Soaking up the culture n that..