When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Sleep + social life = bad grades Good grades + sleep = no social life Good grades + social life = no sleep

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends. They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!"

How much did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents? One Buck.

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card. She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.

What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

Being a teen parent is like pooping... That little shit always shows up when you least expect it

Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer." Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."