The only thing I successfully accomplished today was not having cake for dinner.

How can you fall in love with me if you have me muted dude?

Fuck. That tamagotchi I abandoned was saved and raised by a shepherd and is now back to claim the kingdom.

It doesn’t matter how many Rs you spell February with, it’ll still sound the same. FRERBRURARY

I leave the typos these days. They are part of me too.

My favourite sex position is hitting people with a shovel.

I have an electric tea kettle that changes colors as it heats up, so don’t you dare lecture me about whimsy.

I think I would enjoy being the righteous fist of the people.

Might fuck around and start a snake-handling church

Hey there! Would you like some depression on top of your depression? - Winter

Please don’t try to convince me that any commercial is “great”, my spiritual commitment to capitalism is tepid, at best.

I could use a good manic phase right about now.

While you all are watching the Super Bowl I will playing Bioshock 2, which Tom Brady will probably also find a way to win.

Tom Brady has a lot of rings for a man who is not a pirate.