McDonald’s has introduced the MacBeth, a bloody fish sandwich It’ll stain your hands

im sorry for the tone i use when i repeat something for the third time

I’m pulling for the sharks this week

I can’t do the “can do”today.

Setting boundaries won't end good connections, they'll dissolve unhealthy ones.

It could have been a life hiatus or I could have been stuffed in a shed for the past 3 years with nothing but my thoughts and the rats to keep me company. You don't know.

I'm back in school, if you need proof that I've completely lost my mind. Nothing like chasing my dreams while punishing my future self with crippling amounts of student loan debt.

*Screams into the void* Void, "we're closed."

I miss old school Twitter You know, the realtime mental breakdowns and passive aggressive subtweets.

I'm slowly losing my sanity so you don't have to. -moms

What's up with all the fucking psychos on here tonight? It's been extra serial killericious.

Look at you. Born to write poems, forced to write emails, doomed to write tweets. It's despicable.

The best item of clothing ever invented is the hoodie. Everybody knows that.

People need to fucking appreciate the effort I put forth into not being a serial killer

No one: Me: Reading smut is self care.

Surviving everyday one mistake at a time.

At this point I'd welcome demon possession if it meant I could take a vacation.

wish I was one of those weirdos who likes to go for a run when they’re upset

Stand in any line, and the other line starts to move faster..

WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain. ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.