If you're 𝘁𝗶𝗱𝗲 now, you're in for a 𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹 for a surprise.

𝗦𝗛𝗘𝗟𝗟 YEAH.

Mistake number one: adopting a parrot. You know, why do they call it 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯? This isn't adoption; this is giving yourself over to a multi-colored squawky Devil. Some reason, it's been screaming 'I WILL RIP YOUR PLASTIC UGLY MOUTH OFF' all night.

Why not go a step further and take it? His name's Long John Silver, even though he's blue and yellow.

Pet market, dark alley way, dude with a toupée. That's all I'm gonna say. Long John Silver. But uh, he only responds to 'motherfucker' now. I think that's my bad.

Cutely named, but personality wise... he's like a firecracker with extra crack.

Pfff, Sparrow? That's a cool name to you? Long John Silver is a 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘺. If I'm duking it out with a pirate, I'm yelling 'LONG JOHN!' not Sparrow. Ugh. I'm almost disappointed. Actually, he's much more fond of the name 'master'. Totally not potion-induced.

How dare you butcher Long John's name like that? 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶? Your mind's so far in the gutter that it's all you see. You know what, maybe I should start calling you Long John, 'cause that's what you're being. A dick. Don't make me revoke your tea party invite.

... Okay, okay, fine, but I'm not re-naming him. And if I did, which I wouldn't, it wouldn't be Sparrow; it'd be Artichoke. You are SO LUCKY you're right. But I get the extra crumpet this week. Call it forced charity.

"Yeah, you know. Fourth of July. Flashy lights, loud noises, pretty sky. I'm much more of a fan of the whole 'free cake' bit."

THE TELETUBBIES SPOKE, THEY TOLD ME IF YOU DON’T SLEEP THEN THEY’LL COME (AND YOU WON’T LIKE TINKY-WINKY WHEN HE’S ANGRY)

Deserted island. 3 items. Go.

|| gif is me at the very last sentence, but great holy moly this is a beautiful solo