Could fate be telling me something? Having done nothing but tweet for the last few months, I resolved to stay off Twitter during the working day and resume a life of pseudo-scholarship. Then I got a cold and had to go back on Twitter. Perhaps it's all I'm good for.

It was pure racism for the Conservative Party to appoint Priti Patel to the Home Office and ask her to make a speech I disagreed with. That's the problem with these so-called "British Asians". They can't think for themselves. No agency. Need to read Dr P. Gopal.

Priti Patel is awfully bright, successful and attractive, isn't she? Bitch. Brownface. Not a proper Asian. Never read Insurgent Empire or studied my tweets. The nation is clearly calling out to have Dr P. Gopal at the Home Office. Why the delay?

I'm thinking of starting a petition calling on British clothes retailers to stop selling Kashmir sweaters. What do you think? Could it work? Is there anything I've missed?

Imagine how invigorated I felt when I saw a reference to the "bullshit white line" in this tweet by the real Dr G. Nothing - nothing - is more delightful to the ultra-left mind than a frank expression of contempt for white people. Say it loud! Priya is a racist and she's proud!

Here's another example of the real Dr Gopal at work. Think of it as an illustration of the psychopathology of academic life. As a dud lecturer at a British university I crave power and influence but possess neither. How do I compensate? By inciting violence against the PM.

It was so thrilling to watch today's climate protests on my state-of-the-art 40" TV. I was so proud when a spokesperson for Extinction Rebellion rang me and said: "Dr Gopal, I just wanted you to know that we're throwing remaindered copies of Insurgent Empire at the cops". Yessss!

British universities love a good race race row. The best way to get promotion is to hurl accusations of racism in every direction. The whiteys love it! In this article, I argue that it's not possible to discuss racism in British universities. Go figure. theguardian.com/commentisfree/…

Notionally renowned pseudo-scholar, 51, tolerant, modest, not-at-all self-obsessed, WLTM rich white benefactor. Must enjoy genuflecting and being denounced for racism, sexism and homophobia. Please send list of all the research projects you've tried to shut down. [email protected]

The Moral Maze is holding a debate about academic freedom. I have a long record of trying to shut down research projects, slandering colleagues and ruining young academics' lives by getting them sacked. Presumably I wasn't asked to appear because they thought I was overqualified.

Tanja Bueltmann has levelled a baseless accusation of anti-Semitism against Jacob Rees-Mogg. As a German, Bueltmann knows how dangerous it is to wrongly accuse people of anti-Jewish prejudice. But she did it anyway because she thought it might benefit her politically. Bravo!

A colleague has suggested that we launch the Bad Asian Awards. Splendid idea! I've just sat down to compile my shortlist of brownface traitors. Essentially it consists of every Asian who's more successful than I am, so don't expect the list to become public until 2150.

Eric Kauffmann believes that academic posts should be given to the best qualified people. Lisa Tilley believes that ability is less important than a candidate's race and gender. Hurrah for Lisa! If there weren't people who thought like her, I wouldn't be working in Cambridge!

As a scholar of well-nigh regional notoriety, I have devoted my life to fostering open debate across the political spectrum. So imagine my delight when Leslie Smith's son launched a foul-mouthed attack on Hartley-Brewer after Abbott blocked her! Hell! I just *love* the proles!

I'm deeply ashamed of my upper-caste heritage! So much so that I can't stop telling you about my upper-caste heritage. Did I ever tell you about my upper-caste heritage? Probably not. It's not something I talk about. Got a moment? Shall I tell you about my upper-caste heritage?

A handsome cat finds it hard to keep up with all the tweets in which I've accused people of racism, sexism and homophobia. So proud!

In the wake of this week's XR protests, some students asked me what I was doing to to address the climate crisis. When I said that I was de-plasticising my life, one of them said: "But Gopers, you're plastic through and through". Fair point! Awkward!

I'm so ashamed! It's clear to me now that when I wore these shoes I was giving expression to a deep unconscious desire to be white. But don't worry: I've dyed them black and now I only use them to clout Mary Beard and Nigel Biggar around the head.

I hear that some students had some fun at my expense by asking for captions for this photo. One of them had me saying "Hey, whitey - I'm only prepared to denounce you if you pay me first!" Very funny, I'm sure. The bastards know me too well. No respect.

It's a trick I learned ages ago. If you want to induce a welter of orgasmic sighs from a faux-radical white boy with a double-barrelled name, express your "solidarity" with him when you're signing his copy of your book. It works every time! Drool on, darling whitey - drool on.