[Allegedly innocent person]: I have "[Thing innocent person would TOTALLY bother saying]" x.com/thehill/status…

[Dumb rhetorical question]? [Stupid first world bullshit] are [American decadence in city form]'s latest [fuck the people who make and eat these] x.com/cnni/status/10…

[Thing that would not be news in a functioning democracy] x.com/thehill/status…

[Left hand] breaks with [right hand that doesn't know what the left hand is doing]: [Obvious truth] x.com/thehill/status…

[Who cares] and [who cares] Visit a [oh for fuck's sake] on #KUWTK x.com/Cosmopolitan/s…

[Type of bullshit]? [Type of bullshit]? [Type of bullshit]? The [federal department with poor prioritization] has you covered. x.com/ABC/status/944…

[Child molester] [stupid last minute thing] x.com/ABCWorldNews/s…

Your [currency as legitimate as Bitcoin] could be worth [more than Bitcoin cause, like, you can actually convert it into USD] x.com/TODAYshow/stat…

Breaking News: [Hutt in poorly made human suit] said his "treasonous" quote in [the entire fucking zeitgeist right now] was not aimed at [person it was directly aimed at], as he [synonym for "chickened out"] x.com/nytimes/status…

Man Arrested After [inevitable result of anti-media propagandizing] x.com/thehill/status…

[Old-ass white dude who lost last time] gathers [stand-in for "sycophants"] to discuss [quixotic thing]: report x.com/thehill/status…

[Man with no spine] on whether [justice obstructor] obstructed justice: [quote that proves he is a pathetic, quivering lump of jelly] x.com/thehill/status…

[Asshole] taunts Democrats, saying [Thing that makes people go shop at Lowe's, instead] x.com/Newsweek/statu…

JUST IN: Trump: I would have run into Florida school during shooting even without a gun hill.cm/N2zq8aA

JUST IN: [Container of putrid weasel shit]: [Thing that nobody should believe because of how obviously fucking untrue it is but millions will anyway] x.com/thehill/status…

[Duh] after [nativist 19th century trade war bullshit] x.com/thehill/status…

[Nearly filterless platform] is full of massively popular videos from "[liars]" x.com/TheAVClub/stat…

[Real-life Frankenstein monster], a [made-up job], apologized for [sexist bullshit] x.com/nytimes/status…

[Unsurprising thing], but [kinda surprising thing] x.com/MorningEdition…

[Who?] Is Suing [What Now?] and [Huh?] for Ripping Off Her [Stupid Thing] x.com/Cosmopolitan/s…