In the original manga, Austin Powers had an older brother named Hiroyuki Powers who was killed during the Fat Bastard arc

My friend is a news cameraman and tonight he said “oh man they’re gonna put me in the StormTracker” and I know it’s a van but I keep picturing him sinking into the goo bath from Minority Report.

Here’s a quick money saving tip: if you have a bottle of ibuprofen that’s expired, don’t throw it away. Give it to me, I don’t care if it’s expired

People always talk about how hitler grew that little mustache because of how WWI gas masks couldn’t fit over a normal one but most people don’t mention how Abraham Lincoln grew a beard but no mustache because of his cpap machine

this country is divided into people who find automobiles to be claustrophobic and dangerous tools and people who feel like they are in some sort of Mobile Freedom Castle

I went to a screening of NTBTSTM super late at night and the theater only had like 2 kids working so I just snuck in but then nobody else bought a ticket so when Wuthering Heights let out they just shut my movie off and started vacuuming.

Monsignor Energy Drink

terrible idea i had to see through

Yo dawg I heard you like scams that destroy the environment so we put a scam in your scam so you can destroy the environment while you destroy the environment

My kids kept playing loud dumb tik tok bullshit on their phones when I was trying to watch the astronauts returning to earth and it made me wonder if my dad was trying to show my grandpa something idiotic like a picture of bugs bunny in drag during Apollo 11

My kid just said “Who started God? Was it Jesus?”

For some reason today my mind just rejected the fact that it was the year 2026 and I had three separate incidents where i simply could not believe that was the year I was living in.

If you adopt an elderly dog from the shelter there’s a good chance it’s last owner died and now they know what people meat tastes like

I find Anne Hathaway attractive in a “I bet if we dated she would be really mean to me” way

I want to make an edit of I Am Sam where I cut out all the times people say the “r word” so it’s just a movie where they don’t wanna let a man take care of his daughter because he likes the Beatles too much

It’s crazy how dog training works because if you gave me one dorito i would not be thinking “oh I guess the promise of one dorito a day is worth holding my turds until you let me go outside” I would be attacking you non-stop until you gave me the whole bag

Piss Pants None The Richer

The Met Gala isthe time for all these celebrities to get their sillies out in a controlled environment like parents who let their kid’s friends drink in their house. “I’d rather have Jared Leto dressing up as a fruity dragon here, where we can hose him down if he gets too rowdy.”