My three girls are safe with their grandparents after being evacuated by helicopter from Camp Mystic. My wife and I are in Nice, France trying to get home to Austin. Long shot but if anyone happens to be flying anywhere near ATX from Nice tmw and can spare two seats pls dm

"My name is Augustus Doricko. I'm the CEO and founder of Rainmaker. We're a cloud seeding company that is enhancing precipitation via advanced radar and also drones."

And the Mother of the Year award goes to...🤦‍♂️

At this point I am a fully paid up member of the WDNC Club. These video’s are my favourite thing on the internet right now. #WeDoNotCareClub

Another announcement from the We Do Not Care Club. Pay attention. We won’t tell you again. 😏

There are 340M people in the US. 42M use food stamps.

🚨 BREAKING: Reports of additional an additional wall of water heading STRAIGHT towards Kerrville “If you’re in a low lying area, move out of that low lying area NOW,” Texas Emergency Management Chief says HEED THESE WARNINGS! Rain is continuing to pound the area, and

IYKYK 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 via ⁦Charles McBee⁩

Bill that defunds Planned Parenthood ✅Senate: Passes, approves the bill ✅House: Passes, approves the bill ✅President: Signs the passed bill ❌Lone federal judge: NOPE "Democracy" lol

Shout out to all the people that still don’t believe in conspiracies. Your ability to stick to your guns is inspiring.

Brian Allen Illegal immigrants have a choice: return to their home country or head to a safe third country. As barmaids say at closing time, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Oh -- don't forget to tip your barmaid! 😀

Collin Rugg Clipboard Slapping Mode is gonna be sick

Ya don’t say 🤔

There are two kinds of dogs.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward. 🦬

Wall Street Apes Repeal the Smith-Mundt Modernization Act of 2012 (legalize propaganda) by Obama. Problem solved.

Shocked I tell ya, just shocked

Not a chance

I mean 🤷‍♀️ I see it sober

Grok: I learned it by watching you 🤣🤣🤣