take that damn sexyy red verse off the justin album man. talking about “put that dick in my ass, make my heart stop.” not on the justin album 😭😭😭😭😭

They are telling me happy birthday. You’re hearing it more and more, people saying to me “happy birthday” today.

you already know what it is for today

Just because my birthday fell on Get a Bag Tuesday and yours didn’t doesn’t mean you should kill yourself. You should have at least one other reason.

One of my trivia regulars died 🤧

“hey do you want to go cheat on our spouses at the Coldplay concert?”

Do you guys even give a dumbass fuck if I lay on the couch and rub my big round belly after a late afternoon fried chicken luncheon

cell phone bill went up by $1. they are just seeing what i will put up with at this point

Happy birthday to Mick uhhhh….

are you telling me wasabi saw this weed

oh you had to eat with no youtube.. try going to the store without smoking a quarter ounce of weed first

it’s having fun friday, are you having fun like master chief

there’s nothing better than getting home after a boys trip and getting in your own shower, climbing into your own bed and jerking your own cock

What do you mean your favorite Beatles song is Here CUMS the SON?

nothing like smoking a new strain of weed before having to speak in front of a crowd for two hours.