In the store today I overheard part of a conversation between two women talking about bleaching their assholes and I have questions... Do you pour it over him? Or make him drink it?

He asked me to retweet his Patreon. ME: You're a grown man and could do it yourself. And yet, here we are… If you want to support the conspiracy to make the world suck less (trust me, he needs all the help he can get), Click below Do it for him Do it for me (Mostly for me.)

I kinda like crop circles I can at least find my way around

After Doc  had a colonoscopy yesterday. he came home, I asked him if everything came out ok. he hands me this doctors note: stating that his head was not found during the exame so I guess his head really isn't up his ass!

I read somewhere that being a woman means whispering WTF to yourself regularly . OK... First of all... I didn't know we were supposed to be whispering...

I just realized that my emergency contact is the same man that just spent 15 minutes looking for his phone with the flashlight of his phone...

He asked me why I always carry a knife You see... the last time I tried to open a bag of chips with my 9mm there were some issues...

If dick size were as readily visible as boob size, there’d be a hell of a lot fewer men talking shit.

Do you see what I have to deal with here?

I told Doc  that we have carpenter ants He asked me how I knew they were carpenter ants? so... I told him they've only just begun

Men are a lot like opinions Sometimes they're helpful Mostly they're crazy And they are much easier to deal with when they aren't being rammed down your throat all the time

My mind is exceptionally quiet tonight. I'm kind of suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about!

He called me from the, hardware store, and asked me what kind of ceiling fan I wanted for the living room I was dumb enough to tell him to pick what he thought looked good... I figured it's just a fan, how could he go wrong The Fan:

Doc came up to me tonight sad said: Darlin I look in the mirror and all I see is an old, fat, bald, sweaty, old man, I could really use a compliment right now... I said well Doc , your eyesight is damn near perfect!

When I was a little kid, I used to think "this little pig went to market," meant it was going shopping!

I came home today to find my husband has been on eBay all day long. If he's still on there tomorrow, I’ll have to lower the price.

when @docatcdi came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal pain in the ass. I asked him if he was at the self-checkout: And that is how the fight started.

So @docatcdi is trying to tell me protons have mass I didn't even know they were Catholic!

See ladies, he's not COMPLETELY clueless!

Here's a tip ladies, The easiest way to know for sure That your boyfriend is getting fat.... Is when He can start wearing your husband's clothes...