Me: “Good morning sweetie. It’s time to get up.” 9: *groans* “Not again!”

Me: “Get your hands out of your pants!” 7: “At least they weren’t in my underwear.”

Me: “Daddy is going to take you to swim lessons today.” 7: *sighs* “Can you make him some instructions?” Husband: “I’ve taken you to swim lessons before!” 5 minutes later… Husband: “Where is his swim stuff? What lane is he in? What time do you usually get there?”

“Mom, if I spill my apple juice I want you to take deep breaths to calm down.” ~ my 7 year old, who has just become my life coach

Me: “Good morning sweetie! How did you sleep?” 7: “Good until you came in”

Overheard at the playground: 7: “I have autism. Do you know what that is?” Girl: “I’ve heard of it before but I don’t really know.” 7: “Oh. Well basically my autism gives me superpowers. That’s all I can tell you.”

Of all the ways I imagined spending my Saturday nights in my 40’s, blind taste testing water to try out my neighbors new reverse osmosis filter system was definitely not one of them.

9 asked me if he could print something from his chromebook. I thought it was a poem from school. It’s the lyrics to the song from the Burger King commercial. It’s two pages long.

An open letter to everyone posting “What kind of spider is this?” with a picture on my timeline: Kindly fuck all the way off. Be (un)Well, Me

“Mom, I’m hungry but I’m gonna ask Dad to get me food because it’s Mothers Day.” - My 7 year old, who just became my favorite child

“No butt stuff at the bus stop!!” is something I say now, unfortunately.

Are you even in your 40’s going on vacation with your kids if you’re not exhausted and popping Advil before you leave the house?

Me in nature: “This is so peaceful. It’s so beautiful out here. *fly buzzes in face* “What in the actual FUCK? GTFO! All this space and you have to be right up on me?!?!?!?! Ugh. I hate it out here!”

Of all the things I thought my kid would learn in 1st grade, the lyrics to Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up was definitely not one of them.

Parenting is just repeating yourself until you die.

Having an old dog is stressful because every morning you get to play Still Asleep? Or Dead?

What I said: “We’ll be driving for a couple hours so bring a book or two to keep you occupied” What my kids heard: “Grab the biggest backpacks you can find it fill it to the brim with stuffed animals, books, Legos and a nerf gun”

Me: “I’m going for a walk.” Husband: “I hope you don’t see anyone.” And they say romance is dead.

This year for Halloween I’m dressing up as an old lady. That way when I leave the party early I can just say it’s part of the costume.

My 9 year old gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day😁 All of the coupons expire today 😑