My dog can’t hold his piss anymore (he old) so he has to wear a diaper inside. But I don’t tell him it’s a diaper. I tell him he’s such a fancy bitch that he has to wear a cummerbund at… instagram.com/p/BlWokyKHq72/…

My hero today is this old lady in the lobby I’m in who is talking on the phone to the Social Security office saying, “What do you mean don’t fucking curse? Your boss, the president, curses on TV. Shit.”

When I was a kid, I always wondered why people fed me seeds and fruits in the park. I now know it’s because I looked like the fourth member of The Chipmunks who got kicked out because… instagram.com/p/Blbqwq9HV6i/…

Behold this stunning pineapple scene. It looks like either brunch at SpongeBob’s or brunch at a convention for dudes whose spunk tastes rank and want to change it. No, I’m not at the… instagram.com/p/BldpF5-nvxM/…

Bitch, I’m in some Brokeback Mountain shit. And you know I acted out that “I don’t know how to quit you” scene with my wine. @ Black Forest, Colorado instagram.com/p/Bld0KlNnD_T/…

If you hate your ears and want to let them know, listen to the first episode of the Dlisted podcast that Allison and I did! dlisted.com/2018/08/15/epi…

You know you’re living an opulent life when you eat at the authentic Chinese gourmet emporium known as P.F. Chang’s on a weekday! instagram.com/p/BmhX1oTHGOA/…

Allison and I made another one of these things! dlisted.com/2018/08/17/dli…

Happy Chihuahuaween from Elvie who dressed like a leather bear this year. (I know his harness ain’t leather but who cares about details)! instagram.com/p/BpnXi1IArrM/…

Thank you to soraya roberts and Jezebel for this, and for Photoshopping Pamela Anderson's chichis on my eye jezebel.com/michael-k-and-…

In this one, AllisonMDavey and I prove that we're regular Sylvia Brownes by wrongly predicting People's Sexiest Man Alive 2018 dlisted.com/2018/11/06/dli…

Savannah should be FIRED for saying cheesecake is a pie. How can I ever trust her as a journalist again?!?

MayHAM at the HoneyBaked today! The line was 90 minutes long with reservations. When I got to the front, an employee came out and said they sold out of turkeys. People who reserved a turkey were screwed & MAD! I’m not victim blaming but who gets a turkey at HoneyBaked HAM?

The Dlisted podcast is back with a very special guest (SPOILER ALERT: AllisonMDavey's baby) dlisted.com/2019/01/23/dli…

Deep dove into the public past of one of my all-time favorite pop culture figures of all time, La Toya Jackson jezebel.com/was-la-toya-ja…

I love Gina Gershon so much that when I read this, I was like, yes, I agree full-on

God Warrior is in NYC omfg.

Whoever says that there shouldn’t be a reboot of Jaws can feast their eyes on this instagram.com/p/BzTk0qmAzGo/…

Not much is worse for me than feeling hungover when I haven’t drank shit!

Am I stoned or does my dog’s favorite toy look like an angry peen with ears, arms, and legs? Or both?