Let me clear something up: the only Volkswagens you can punch on is the slug-bug... If you punch me on a VW minivan, you will be karate chopped in the throat and kicked out of my car. Don't bring that BS in here

Mitchell Howie Waited a year for something game changing and look what you have brought us 👏🏼

*Steak n Shake drivethru with abby* Abby: Yeah we'll have a large fry Steak 'n Shake worker: Want sauce with that? Me: Give us a silly amount of ketchup SNSW: like 8? Me: Sillier *we pull around to the window* SNSW: I gave you 40, that's silly enough? Me: perfect amount of silly

To the man chillin next to me at the stoplight, Your windows are not that tinted. I can see you picking your nose. Please stop. It's understandable to go for it and fix your nostril situation, but you crossed a line when you ate it...

it’s not normal to be in a relationship where you don’t feel wanted everyday. you should be able to find yourself through this person, not settle. in my relationship, i’m lucky enough to fall more in love everyday. if you don’t, you deserve better

Some of you didn’t let your mom take your pic on the first day of school and it shows

“Hey bro, what time’s your 7:30 at? “

I don’t think there’s a better feeling than typing something really fast on a laptop/desktop keyboard with no mistakes

UPS Guy: Hey, how are you doing today? Me: Pretty good, what's UPS with you? UPS Guy: ..... Me: sorry

My life goal is to host Thanksgiving

If a see a group walking three across towards me, on a three person-wide sidewalk, and not showing signs of accommodating me, game on. I accept your red rover challenge

This is the only political quote I will ever post on twitter. It’s extremely powerful, truly eye-opening, and an overall great motto to live by. I highly encourage everyone to read it and make these words apart of their everyday lives “Everybody love everybody” - Jackie Moon

For every RETWEET OF THIS TWEET we will donate $1 to Children’s Oncology Group. Today is the last day to help us #KickChildhoodCancer. GO GO GO! 💛

Copy & Paste is significantly underrated

“Hey man, make sure to get me when I’m in the air. Kobe!”

It's sad that people think it necessary to pass along negative comments/opinions... it's so easy to be nice. And if for some reason being nice is difficult for you, just keep quiet. There's no reason to bring people down

Is it just me, or does the "snooze" button never look like it's spelled correctly right when you wake up?

Hey Matt, what number team are we gonna be next week? Purdue’s Matt Painter Purdue Men's Basketball Barstool Boilermakers