I am walking down the street on my suburban neighborhood in shorts and a heavy winter coat screaming at my kid to come back whilemy dog is pooping in the neighbors yard. Am I living the dream or

kids party favor bag included ring pops WHY

4yo: “please can you not say anything at the Christmas party?”

6yo: “hey bro.” Me: “hmm, I don’t love that. I’m your dad not your bro.” 6yo (rolling eyes): “bro means friend or family, duh.”

6yo: I’m hungry. Me: we just ate. you can have fruit or nuts. 6yo: chips? Me:

6yo: I don’t want to talk right now. I want to be alone, be eating, or be watching tv. Me: same.

Just washed down a multivitamin with a beer. I’ve reached middle age.

At 6yo’s baseball game and they said “pizza will be served!” but found out its only for the kids and I’m panicked! Why did I come then

4yo running through house screaming “I just want cake!!!” And I get it.

4yo has upped her insults: I am a “poopy person”. Usually she gets in trouble and the sometimes I just say “I’m at peace with who I am as a person”.

4yo to brother: “I’m not gonna let you hold my new ring because you didn’t play with me.” Me: “you were not going to give him the ring either way.” 4yo: [long pause] “that’s true.”

Is the threat of ‘telling Santa that you’ve been bad and don’t get presents’ a seasonal thing or can it be year round?

6yo: what grade will I be in when I’m 24? Me: job.

Overheard at a Little League league game A white haired grandma, when her grandson was tagged out, muttering to herself while looking at the kid who tagged him out: “That son of a bitch.”

[kid comes back with candy after first day of summer camp] Me: hmm, how did you get that candy? Kid: you don’t even have to pay for it! It’s free!! [pause] The camp said all you have to do is “charge to account”.

Kid: can we get a snowcone? Me: no I didn’t bring money for that. Kid: so are we poor?

My kids just got into a heated debate over whether my hair was white or grey. I am 36.

I don’t want people to send me “love and light”. Send money.

Last night I washed down a multivitamin with a swig of cheap wine while yelling at my kids. Am I doing parenting right?