"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

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Don't people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person's deeply held beliefs?

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you gon need this"

I should start paying more attention at the bus stop I almost tried to get on a fire truck

I definitely believe in making political change but I'm skeptical of any one politician being able to do it.

Me: Siri, what is happiness? Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Fallout Shelter is my new favorite subway game

It would be great to be able to help more kids.

I haven't updated my Adobe Reader in so long it's just been named Communications Director for the Trump campaign

*lights cigar with expired Southwest Airlines drink coupon*

Me: Siri, what is happiness? Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

There's an open portal to hell on the field game delayed

Dentist: do you floss regularly? Me: [flashback to 11yrs earlier covered in blood and crying on the bathroom floor] yes

*in car* Yoda: Feel trapped you do? Me: Dunno. Sometimes Yoda [ski mask gun]: Change the game tonight we will Me: Dude this is my mom's Geo

Video game reviews should tell me if I can pet dogs in the game or not

does anyone here know why these two should not be wed? [from back] SHE EATS BANANAS WITH A KNIFE AND FORK

remember all those fail old people who tried to go viral after the Ellen selfie...pathetic

Ok apparently this is the whole point of the fake story and I am now a joke explainer account.

Fallout Shelter is my new favorite subway game