Claustrophobic professors like Robert Langdon put me in mind of bunkers: they're as claustrophobic as a coffin

Most politicians like Rudy Giuliani are inspirational, but others are as 'inspirational' as an old prune

Alcoholic singers like Jimi Hendrix put me in mind of panhandlers: they're as alcoholic as wine

Most actors like James Dean are compelling, but others are as 'compelling' as smelly socks

Most scourges are frightening, but others are as 'frightening' as Walt Disney's Haunted Mansion

Persuasive lawyers like Cicero put me in mind of arguments: they're as persuasive as a sledgehammer

Jealous pretenders like Tom Ripley put me in mind of fiancées: they're as jealous as Ares

Most sandals are comfortable, but others are as 'comfortable' as sleeping on a park bench

Most accusations are provocative, but others are as 'provocative' as a prioress

Destructive villains like Lucifer put me in mind of bombs: they're as destructive as an atom bomb

Religious tyrants like Tomás de Torquemada put me in mind of nuns: they're as religious as Descartes

Most superheroes like Deadpool are prurient, but others are as 'prurient' as a medical exam

Most metropolises are dazzling, but others are as 'dazzling' as a tobacco stain

Most apparitions are menacing, but others are as 'menacing' as a boozy college cheerleader

Most spies like Jack Bauer are patriotic, but others are as 'patriotic' as a soggy bourbon biscuit

Most insults are cutting, but others are as 'cutting' as a plastic spoon

Most mothers are thoughtful, but others are as 'thoughtful' as Archie Bunker

Most underdogs are unassuming, but others are as 'unassuming' as a mastiff

Bouncy singers like Shirley Temple put me in mind of pups: they're as bouncy as a gravel pit

Most maidens are demure, but others are as 'demure' as a tavern brawl