22 year old incel boys are so bitchy and critical of women I feel like they should hang out with my grandmother and call people fat all day. Meals on wheels meets fashion police

Every day after school my son gets a chocolate chip cookie the size of his head and I simply do not give a shit.

I love babies freaking out at hibachi grills. They’re new to the earth but the horror in their eyes isn’t new-we’re seeing the expression of betrayal from someone who thinks they’re about to be burned to death but doesn’t really understand betrayal or death. It really gets me.

He was visited by 3 ghosts

"I'm fat and I'm not going to heaven" the president is going through his luteal phase

I love New Orleans standup bc you get to meet insane old guys that are trying to get famous but they’re too old to use their phones properly so they post screenshots of their own photos. This happened and then I saw that guy in the same clothes that day outside of my kid’s school

I love my cute family

Overheard a bunch of biddies in old Metairie saying parents are “making the babies trans” and one example was “they’re giving the boys dolls as soon as they’re born.” So funny to be so sexist that your brain sees a baby doll and a boy and the only future it imagines is “woman”

It’s the time of the year when our son eats 9 egg noodles a week and the rest of his diet is milk chocolate and red dye 40. His (we think?) lack of autism should be a PSA against the MAHA movement

we’re all gonna die and be dust

honestly i was skeptical but they did a good job w the website hotgirlsforcuomo.com

Whenever people are like “I admire you for doing comedy even as a busy mom” I wanna be like “yeah it’s hard to balance it all but one way I make it work is by sucking at it”

You may think it’s barbaric and evil to force a 12 year old to give birth to her rapist’s baby at gunpoint. However, have you considered that we made an infant suffer unimaginable pain for the 2 hours he was alive for no reason? Not so black and white now, is it?

Getting mad at parents bc they don’t hit their kids is so weird bc hitting feels easier—you have to override your base instincts not to hit them sometimes. It’s like getting mad at people for returning their shopping carts.

Toddler on cocaine: “we should open a Chuck E. Cheese!”

Yesterday my husband and I were kind of delirious and talking about chocolate and he said confidently that chocolate has bugs in it, and I was like what? And then he went to search it and what he dictated verbally was “does bugs have chicken”