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Fenn, my nearly 4 year old daughter, recorded her first ever solo song today. She came up with all the words herself and I helped her a little bit with the tune. It’s called ‘Dinosaurs in Love’. 🦕❤️🦕

You really want a safe place? Go to Taco Bell. No judgment in there. Want to eat 5,000 calories? Do it. Take a nap afterward right in the booth. One time I saw a lady come in and dump every single hot sauce packet into her purse. No one said a damn thing. That’s how you Live Mas.

do you think bernie will let you guys use the metric system like a normal country?

If you were to board a flight tomorrow, would your primary concern be A) COVID-19 or B) the fact that an individual with Peter Weber’s decision making ability could be operating the aircraft?

it’s been a week of #socialdistancing and I’ve learned that Dylan Miller does every task: 1) not the way I would do it and therefore 2) wrong

Joe Exotic is Steve Irwin’s Wario

week three of #socialdistancing and Dylan Miller is *this close* to being banned from podcasts because he won’t stop cackling by himself across the room from me Spittin' Chiclets

My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners

“How are you doing?” Me:

If I say “Black Lives Matter” and your response is “All Lives Matter” I find that very frustrating. It’s like if I asked “what’s 2+2” and you said “it isn’t 3” you’re not wrong but, that isn’t a solution to the problem.

Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Non binary people are non binary. And I will never understand why some people are bothered by this. Life is short. Let people be who they are. It doesn’t concern you!!!

meme account on ig tries to show that coronavirus is fake and then gets destroyed by math

being friends with americans is so fucking weird you guys are so weird you think all your brands and experiences are universal you'll just be like yeah on sunday i went to the dongbonkles for a stack of bepleys dinkyes like im supposed to fucking know what that means by default

The most logical thing I’ve seen all week

Now that the Michelin Guide is coming to Toronto, The Keg will finally get the international respect that they so richly deserve

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

.Doug Ford can’t wait to see what you and your office *won’t* do about rent control! so excited for my next rent increase (after a 12% and 19% increase the last two years!) love that my landlord can continue to drain my bank accounts and savings instead of getting a real job 🥰

Taylor Swift coming to Green Bay is the biggest thing to happen to Wisconsin since the invention of cheese