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Maybe it was never about the stocks but the bonds we made along the way

Doctor: do you exercise? Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks Doctor: Me: cronchies Doctor: I'm gonna put no Me: ok

The year is 2048. The 👨🏻 mustache man emoji has been elected president for a 2nd term

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Coworker: *starts a conversation* Me: no thank you

Don't even talk to me before I've had my [60 years pass and then I die]

Our roundup of 30 of the funniest women on Twitter ft Lana Berry Albertina Rizzo Lindsey moody monday & more: bit.ly/1RZUrPM

I like to think that if I swipe left hard enough on tinder it'll kill the guy

Please stop calling this your "journey" Linda. You are selling leggings on Facebook

*kicks 2016 under the fridge*

2015: making fun of man buns 2016: fascism

[making small talk at work] What do you think about abortion?

Date: It's been hard opening up since my father passed aw- Me: *sees a dog* sorry I have to go

Me: But baby it's cold outside Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

I need an outfit that seamlessly transitions from daytime to canceled evening plans.

*meets someone* *ruins it*