Haven’t been active on Twitter in years. But fb is awful and insta won’t let me post jokes. So here I am again

I can’t even believe I’ve never got anyone pregnant. Wild

Merry mf Christmas

I wonder if whenever pugs see me they catch a vibe like “he’s one of the good ones”

I'm using IG ++ for iOS by UnlimApps to add new features to Instagram ++! beta.unlimapps.com/share/com.unli…

The shorter drinking fountain always has a more powerful squirt… No this isn’t a metaphor

Well if there’s one thing that addiction taught me, it’s that I can quarantine myself in a small room for at least a month with very little food or water 🤷‍♂️ #coronavirus

All sales jobs market to you like they’re wolf of wall street Till you miss five or six 3 day periods because of cocaine binges. Then suddenly they have “ethics and standards”

I am kind, all the softness you desire, all the plys that you can imagine. Every roll I will grant you. For I am kind. Embrace me as your king 👑. 🧻

I might relapse just to have food for the next 30 days #corona 

 I always wipe all my machines at the gym but I’ve been forgetting to do it all morning because I’ve been arguing politics… Which obviously means it’s all of your stupid ideas that’s the reason that I’ll probably end up spreading the corona 👀

Due to the recent circumstances I’m asking for a review from any girl that’s ever turned me down🤷‍♂️

Get sober they said! Life will get better they said!

Hopefully those piece of shit whalers are all jobless now 🐋 🐳

Welcome dereksanclemente.wordpress.com/2020/04/28/wel…

I hang out at the bohemian grove all the time and rarely have I seen someone actually drink babies blood. Conspiracy theorist are the worst