RFK Jr is two weeks away from announcing creatine being added to the water supply.

I've noticed Jews never make it onto those “hate doesn’t live here” yard signs.

DATING A COMEDIAN 3 months in: “You’re so funny” 3 years in: “Everything’s a goddamn joke to you, isn’t it?”

"Methinks thou doth protest too much." -Me at protests as soon as the slam poetry starts

People give these ICE agents a hard time, but ya gotta admit they're quite conscientious about making sure they’re not spreading Covid.

Words are tricky! Fellas: It’s not that women don’t want you to approach them, it’s that they don’t want you to assault them.

I spend too much time online so I’m confused about brain development: How come it’s okay for a 13 year-old to choose their gender but it’s not okay for a 25 year-old to marry Dane Cook?

I don’t care about trans women competing in women’s sports. But I’m outraged by “bisexual” women in relationships with straight men who call themselves queer. Sleeping with the patriarchy while claiming marginalized status is a bridge too far.

So much of my timeline is just dudes gossiping about sports and comedy. Tons of bros obsessed with the concept of being “alpha” are out here behaving like Andy Cohen on "Watch What Happens Live."

You're not actually avoiding conflict. You're just delaying it. And in the meanwhile, it's gaining interest.

"The reason why the first night you said it was perfect is because there was no other time you said it. You're present. So you're just saying it." 👇 funnyhow.substack.com/p/the-tip-bill…

I don't have any hair so I can't be a silver fox. What's left? Slippery eel?

The bucket hat is the backwards baseball cap of Europe.

I was heckled by an older Jewish therapist lady on the upper west side…because of course I was.

You want a conspiracy? Fine. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks put it: “Jews are people whose passion is education, whose citadels are schools, and whose heroes are teachers.”