Los Angeles: Do you enjoy laughing? How about free stuff? Supporting your boy? You can experience all 3 tomorrow at Wet Cash Comedy at Berkshire House in Hollywood! Scan the flyer (high tech!) or just click on the link below and your dreams will come true. eventbrite.com/e/wet-cash-com…

I'm 41, but I have the accomplishments of a much younger man.

If sperm donation was a work at home situation, I would have made bank today.

If you’re asking, “Am I out of time?” at a 3 minute mic, the answer is yes.

Prev HI-USA Santa Monica: @DarthKline's "hair" Tori Piskin's "friend" @KassTheBomb's "name" Michael Magid's "podcast" Prateek Srivastava's "sample" Next Sat 9/3 1436 2nd St 8:30pm w Ai Yoshihara Matt Curry & More! FREE!(Donations Suggested) eventbrite.com/e/164575157727 #santamonica

I wish my career counselor had told me “Special Master” was a job I could have.

I’m not sure what accent Tom Hanks is doing in the Elvis Presley movie, but I am sure he’s doing it wrong.

My target audience is drunk me.

I was supposed to host a show at Hotel Cafe tonight, but it’s been cancelled. Some guy named Dave Chappelle wanted the venue. Must be friends with the owner or something.

Sober October day 1: This is the widest my eyes have open in 20 years.

Coca-Cola ranked from best to worst: 1. McDonalds 2. Glass bottle 3. Can 4. Plastic bottle 5. Random dive bar that hosts an open mic I’m about to start drinking again just to never have to pay $4 for the world’s flattest soda to “support the venue.”

I refuse to buy any @BALENCIAGA products until they re-establish their partnership with Ye, dramatically lower their prices, and make clothing that looks good.

Sober October day 22: Thinking about the term “functional stoner.” A lot of stoners (me) use that term to refer to themselves with pride, but I feel like I could hold myself to a higher standard than “functional.”

Comedian DESTROYS show’s momentum.

I’m gonna be a slutty teacher for Halloween.

Wearing a mask in 2020: I do it so I don’t get Covid. Wearing a mask in 2022: I do it ‘cause I just got Covid.

Sometimes doing standup can make you* feel like you’re not part of the cool club ‘cause you’re not passed at a cool club. *me

Telling a comedian they’re really comfortable with silence isn’t as nice a compliment as you may think.

“This is the way” is Mandalorian for “That’s wassup.” #Mandalorian

I hope Anthony Davis is hearing everyone calling him “Every Other Day-vis” decides to have another terrible game just to prove the haters wrong. #LakersVsWarriors #dubnation