package thief who slaps a “I ❤️ City Living” bumper sticker on the door before skedaddlin’

glass of wine, airpods in, relaxing to the smooth backflips of benson boone

in your sickliest, weakest, most desperate hour, you can always depend on there being some fucking prick whistling outside your window. shut up man

look, you don’t drop down a box of caramels in the break room and not expect me to swing by every 5 min until they’re gone

shoulda brought out Tom Hanks as his Sully

when you’re 14 and mom is driving you to lacrosse practice and you’re playing grateful dead and jerry sings “what a long, strange trip its been”. “Trip”… get it?

He was INSANE to do this! The only thing crazier would have been to bring out Charlie Kirk as his Sally

cool part about having a short boss is i if i stand up i can see the top of his head poking out over the cubicles and can see where he is and where he’s going. Why is that cool? I don’t know yet

at fertility clinic, overhead a lab technician say “bruh got that eeyore sperm”

🎶“Got a wife in Chino, babe, and one in Cherokee. The first one says she's got my child, but it don't look like me”🎶 the child:

unfollowing everyone who never followed me back

I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE AT THE ANTIQUE MALL I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE AT THE ANTIQUE MALL I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE AT THE ANTIQUE MALL I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE AT THE ANTIQUE MALL I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE AT THE ANTIQUE MALL I DO NOT NEED THE SWITCHBLADE

kurt on the cobain singing Where Did You Eat Corn Last Night

twitter algorithm is like

the honey medicine that does nothing

its weird when there’s a best albums/songs/bands/movies/tv shows list that isn’t identical to my list, if i were to make one

“ballroom”, yeah right, they’re just looking for Bill Clintons legendary porn stash

orgasm shmorgasm