why is it so awkward walking back after u bowI in bowling

Starting my morning with a nice crisp alka seltzer, cold brew, & Dave Portnoy explain the call her daddy drama.

Summaaa chawwwp 💇🏼‍♀️

If my 50 followers on twitter doesn’t prove to you I’m an influencer, my 4 followers on Tik Tok sure as shit will.

Having my second bad hair day in a row, and honestly, it’s disrespectful to my bloodline.

“You know what Mal... can I call you Mal? I have only known you one hour, but I’ve seen you climb a boat ladder with a piece of pizza hanging out your mouth.. you are a classy bitch.” Love to hear it.

did you puke in the bowl used for popcorn as a kid or are you normal

If you only have the option to dip a chicken wing/drummy into ranch or blue cheese and you choose blue cheese. You disgust me.

Classic lady date talk 🖤

SEX

Dear MLB: Lift blackout restrictions this year.

Due to Covid-19 I will not shake hands or hug anymore, You may either Kneel or Bow to me

Did I do the worm in stage at bingo last night? Yes. That’s showbiz babyyyy.

I would like to formally unsubscribe from all beer reps sending emails with 7 sell sheets attached via PDF.

it’s just me, my thighs, and my thoughts

No song gets me hyped the way Red Kingdom by Tech N9ne does. Idk what it is, but queue that up and I instantly become untouchable.

Setting an alarm for 4:30am really hits different after a holiday weekend.

starting the day off with a run is an excellent way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started