I don’t want a boyfriend until I’m married.

Mental health hack: get depressed the week before your birthday, so you’re on the upswing on the big day.

Boyfriends are like boats. They seem fun when I’m drunk or on vacation, but then I remember the cost and it’s like “I’m just gonna hang out and judge other people’s boats.”

One of my more toxic beliefs is that every cup of coffee should be drank with a pastry (and I need a minimum of three cups daily).

No one hydrates like a bitch going through TSA with a Stanley.

I love hotels because it’s the only time I iron my clothes.

The best and worst part of traveling is wondering what the fuck is wrong with everyone.

Dense Bean Salads are recession indicators.

The worst nickname I ever had was at the age of 31 when the baristas at a Bushwick coffee shop called me “pajama pants girl.”

You ever think your soul recognizes someone from a past life and then realize you were just sad?

I just scolded my phone through gritted teeth at the grocery store, like a parent in the early nineties.

The lady on TikTok who spends $300 a month on groceries for a family of four should be our first president with a brain.

I am generally anti-adult Halloween, except for the part where drunk people fight in costumes. That’s my pro wrestling.

Mamdani getting elected the same week the New York Times asks if women are ruining the workplace is the kind of cultural whiplash you really can only get in 2025.

Bringing down Kim Kardashian’s law ambitions is the only cool thing chat gpt has ever done.

It really be like “if young people love big pants, they’ll LOVE huge mortgages.”

If only the government treated healthcare the way they treated TikTok.

I feel naive admitting that healthcare getting held hostage by a bunch of pedophiles was not on my bingo card.

It is unbelievably dark that our only hope to take down a billionaire pedo is the ghost of another billionaire pedo.

FDR feels like the only correct president to suck off.