I saw Roseanne going into a Starbucks today. Not sure if it was for coffee or the sensitivity training.

When Trump and Kim Jong Un first met they were looking at each other and both thinking the same thing. "Gee, my hair doesn't look that bad."

After the summit, North Korea was told that you can't trust Trump. They were told that by both Iran and Melania.

Jeff Sessions read a quote from the Bible to justify taking kids away from their parents at the border. As long as he's looking through the Bible, why doesn't he read the commandment "Though shalt not commit adultery" to Trump and Giuiiani.

When they arrested Paul Manafort they gave him one phone call. He called Kim Kardashian.

A lot of anti-Trump protests in London. In fact, earlier today at Windsor Castle while standing next to President Trump, during the playing of the national anthem, the Queen took a knee.

Well, another pee tape has emerged. During today's press conference with Putin, Trump pissed all over the U.S.

Trump capitulated to Putin yesterday. Even that Thai soccer team said they've never seen a worse cave.

RIP John McCain, a true American hero. McCain will lie in state in the Capitol. While Trump will continue to lie in the White House.

Do you realize that if Putin orders a government shutdown that President Trump will be out of work.

We go together like a person testifying during a senate hearing and a tiny water bottle.

every guy in college when I tried to define our "relationship":

Weird off Broadway version of Chinatown

I wish that when the government reopens there would be a sign that reads, "under new management."

One awkward moment at the State of the Union Address when Trump introduced a political prisoner in the audience and Melania stood up.

Today was the biggest one day point drop in stock market history, 1175 points. Although still not as big as the IQ point drop on the day we went from President Obama to President Trump.

According to NY Times, after meeting with financial group executives at the White House, Jared Kushner received loans for his business which totaled half a billion dollars. Which is the same amount of money that Ben Carson has spent on office furniture.

Stormy Daniels is suing Donald Trump saying that the hush agreement they had is not valid because he didn't sign it. Which gives Melania hope. Maybe he didn't sign their marriage certificate.

Mr. President, I just want you to know that whenever Stormy Daniels told you that she had an orgasm. That was fake news!

Ford is recalling 1.4 million vehicles because their steering wheels might come off. The other option they considered was just marketing them as self-driving cars.