One must first consider all avenues before making a decision to move; he must remember, too, that even the wrong path can be backtracked, and another route can always be taken #FiveNightsAtFreeddys

“I’m not addicted” “I can quit anytime I want” “just because I do it every day doesn’t make it a problem” “it’s a natural function of a healthy body” - all excuses I’ve heard from multiple pissing addicts. I haven’t pissed in over a month and my bladder has never felt stronger

Few household activities match the cathartic and brutal nature of cutting and eating a whole mango

Kitkat is like if Coca Cola was a chocolate bar

I do not trust what they put in American hot dogs to make them taste that way. But until meatball prices drop(all-time high currently), they’ll make do in my spaghetti bolognese

three sets of bench press and 3 sets of sending silly kitten gifs to my friends online, alternating

Oh I totally get why cats love lying in the sun rays shining through the window now. My feet are soooooo warm. Why hasn’t anybody been talking about this?

Modern man’s mortal coil is an interest in Pokémon. Shake yourself or this childhood rite of passage and the world will upon up to you like two doors upon a sunrise

Tip for hotel-goers; clog one of the public bathrooms so the hotel can’t directly charge you for the damages.

The worst part about accidentally m biting into a mouldy bagel is discovering how much better they taste than safe bagels. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden.

This bathroom smells of the holidays I spent in a Barcelona hotel in Spain

Discovered a new way using just movement to make your core muscles hurt a lot with no benefit in any way. Thinking of selling this to other companies

Boss got fired a couple days ago. Office building hasn’t reported a single toilet clogging issue since. Wonder if there’s a correlation

Drinking a glass of pure Splenda just to feel the sensation of my heart stopping for a few seconds

My sweat can taste awfully salty. Right now is a good example of such a time

Pushing that Boulder up the hill in hopes of some sissy phussy on the other side

At my Job right now. They’re telling me I have to do this for 43 more years.

A chicken pasty is todays version of Pandora’s box

Been trying to widen my gait recently. I feel walking with a bigger sway might allure female mates as the suggestion is that my balls are bigger and therefore require more breathing room

Watching two guys bloodletting and drinking the others’ blood by the #Hammersmith sign in London #Hammersmith