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In high school I was voted most unlikely

Of mice AND men? In this economy? (Because of the great depression)

when you start to look middle aged, you definitely want to keep acting, talking and dressing like you're 24. and keep binge drinking as well

i don’t care how old you are if you have a child you’re older than me

1st year of marriage: what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine 30 years later: you’re sitting in the dog’s spot

Need a “hook” for my memoir so am claiming to be the Zodiac Killer.

In hindsight, hostage negotiator regrets using reverse psychology.

I found by simply cooing, “who’s a good dog?” the Rottweiler somewhat slowed his attack.

Teaching myself ukulele! Neighbor keeping the beat on my wall!

DMV: Did you bring your 3rd grade class photo?

TOM PETTY [seeing the most beautiful woman in the sexist dress of all time]: oh my my, oh hell yes

I want to *give* advice, not *take* advice. Important difference.

Whether they admit it or not, everybody has a favorite kidney.

Intrusive thought blossoms into horrifying remark.

Of course an hour later, I come up with the perfect comeback. “Please stop insulting me, it hurts my feelings.”

“WANTED” poster fails to capture my whimsy.

I’m not the person I thought I was when I cut that cupcake in half

Field sobriety tests biased against dudes who've had a rough day.

All dressed up and nowhere to run

Welp, girlfriend found some pictures on my phone. Didn’t know I was a birder.