it’s time to stop fucking about, let’s send the duolingo owl after trump

did it hurt? when you realized that corporations have falsely convinced us that by using paper straws and freezing in the winter you can fix the damage they’ve done to our planet

me: the earth isn’t flat fiat earther: correct me: huh? fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car me: what? fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Absolute badonkadonks on this bear

saying “i had a bisexual threesome” -weird phrasing -calm down please -dude it’s 11am we’re tryna have brunch saying “i avril lavigne’d” -he was a boy -she was a girl -can i make it anymore obvious?

“millennials waste their money” bro i just tipped the waiter that you underpay

Who will be buried here?

Jesus Christ

Next James Bond movie sounds shit

billy joel is very suspicious. not once did i see anyone accuse him of starting a fire. so to combat this he makes a whole song. denying the thing no one said he did. guilty? probably. hotel? trivago.

Apple wtf are you planning to do to me

Having a cat is very conflicting. Yes my shower gel is all over the floor every morning, my coffee has hairs in it, I almost fall down the stairs every day as they sprint past me, I get looked at with contempt constantly, I… was meant to put some positives at the end but-

me: my new book is amazing friend: can i borrow it after? me: you can’t color it in twice