Uhm, don't make me choose between powdered or chocolate covered doughnuts.

It's embarrassing when you have to break the news to someone that you broke their toilet seat.

I've been watching this show for a while, and I've never seen this dude whisper to dogs.

Bad news: I was on on the pot 2 hrs today because no toilet paper. Good news: Angela lost the contest to see who had to bring me in a roll.

Never trust a dude with a cat.

Eventually fell asleep from watching QVC all night. Laid down, and realized the remote was on the table across the room.

Pam doesn't understand that I'm stealing the candles from her desk for the benefit of the office. The bathroom doesn't have a fan.

I haven't been tweeting much, I'm on a Tweet diet.

My buddy hooked me up with a pre-release viewing of "Life of Pi" tonight - DO NOT GO SEE IT, NOT A SINGLE PIE IN THIS MOVIE

Ohhh, very funny you guys. i.imgur.com/kvFaI.jpg

I'm still really worried that P. Diddy will kill me if I don't vote. So yeah, I'm voting. #voteordie

My brother from another mother? Karl Malone. I can really relate to him. He's "The Mailman" and I work for a paper company. So, yeah.

Stanley is pissed that he had to work today. Michael always gave him Black Friday as a holiday.

I haven't had one of my homemade cookies in years. Mainly because I end up eating the cookie dough before I can bake them.

Veggie dog? How dare you.

I've been thinking about starting a rap career. I could be known as Kiz Malifa. I'd do a PA show with Wiz Khalifa. It would be rad.

Looking for a partner to join my competitive eating team at work. We can call ourselves "The Megabytes". Also, we're the only team.

I treat Valentine's Day a lot like Halloween. Buy lots of candy for other people. Eat it myself.

When is this raptor going to show up? Dinosaurs are cool.

It's like $400 for a box of girl scout cookies, and you only get like 3 cookies in there. Talk about organized crime...