"Well, Your Honor, I happen to live in America, where the law of the land is 'no pants, no problem', NOT 'no pants, suddenly a problem at Pizza Hut. The defense rests."

The Apocalypse is just going to be God deleting his browser history. #mondaythoughts

Getting real tired of all these #Spoilers in the obituaries... looks like everybody dies?!

Check on your Indiana friends. We out here leaving sweat shadows on the sheets. #100degrees #heatwave

I hope that one day I'll believe in me as much as LIZZO believes in me. 💜💙💚💛🧡❤

Oh my God, I forgot I still have a Twitter account. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ayyyyye I’m no okey from Muskogee so just slow your shuffle and have some respect for this elder millennial

You know what I missed most about people being out and about? Really juicy eavesdropping. 👂👀

Drew the swoonworthy Tom Atkins while watching The Last Drive In. How do you like the pic, Diana “Darcy the Mail Ghoul” Prince 🎃💌 ? 🥰❤️😎

Martin Freeman. That’s the tweet. 😍

If you know, you know. #Loki #CountdownToLoki #TomHiddleston #Hiddlestoners

I’m very much like a corn dog in that my outsides are fluffy, my insides consist of mystery meats, and I’m most palatable once I take the stick out of my ass.

Don’t you dare let a man wearing basketball shorts make you feel bad about yourself. Ever.

Love the mute button for when I need to unleash an outraged scream during a work meeting. Shame that I’m still in the office building where coworkers can hear me, though…

I would estimate that 60-70% of my social interactions end with awkward finger guns.

I haven’t heard from Ryan Gosling in a bit. What’s the hot goss about Hot Gos?

Another weekend approaches, another slew of opportunities for me to accidentally nap instead of completing my to-do list.

I don’t want to seem dramatic, but I would commit multiple felonies, up to and including murder, to see Nanaue get his own series. 💙🦈 The Suicide Squad DC Comics James Gunn