N95 masks will be the fashion of the future!

Reminder that District has a killer show tonight! And Murahd Shawki actually CAN lift heavy objects! @ District San Francisco instagram.com/p/CIWj7efgZ0p/…

My hero: The guy who figured out having no plates or food could be rebranded as a charcuterie board.

The real Christmas miracle is having a Jewish therapist that would see me today.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a place where my vaccination actually meant something. nytimes.com/2021/06/07/us/…

I have a panic room in my apartment. It’s just my bathroom, but that’s where I have my panic attacks.

I just found out that there is a taco bell right on the beach in Pacifica. For when you want a beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean and diarrhea.

I didn’t think the pandemic could get any worse but then I saw Improv on Zoom.

I found out I was using poignant wrong, and that was pretty poignant

Found out today that Trotsky lost to Stalin because he was a dork. #TheMoreYouKnow

Thinking about downloading TikTok so I'll have an excuse for not getting anything done

Ouija board: a game for psychopathic children to torture their friends.

I feel like MeUndies is a little aggressive. Do I really need new underwear every month? Who’s ruining a pair of underwear every 30 days?

Teletherapy: where I tell someone all my problems and their response is “I’m sorry, you cut out. what did you say?

Man, I was pretty worried about the country, but looks like ole Dicky’s got us covered! If anyone needs to be “accidentally” shot in the face then we’re good. Thanks bud! apple.news/AJTCfL3VQTlCkm…

I heard that women like bad boys so I decided to join ISIS.

One weighted blanket, no longer anxious about living! Three weighted blankets, suddenly very anxious about dying.

As an American I always have a hard time explaining distances to my European friends. What’s the conversion rate for metric system to football fields?