Colorado Springs FB Market place is WILD this morning:

Fuck off Nike

Unpacking my storage unit and found my old cell phones…

Dennis Quaid’s face is like the first crease in your new sneakers when you internally scream NOOOO

Guys, I just realized that the Hanson brothers are different people from the Jonas brothers 🤷‍♀️

I survive on the tears of sleeping birds

No one tells you how much wider you’ll get when you’re older. Not heavier or bigger. Just wider w age. Like:

Fritz is getting kook slammed in the US Open final :(

90% of breakfast is dressing capybaras and 10% is touching and maybe, maybe eating food

Gossip Girl is actually a show about college drop outs.

I want to meet whoever is naming these local pound dogs (and chicken)

Does anyone else know the specific satisfaction of eating confiscated Halloween candy (taken by the Halloween Fairy who left a present in its place, im not a monster) in a hot shower once your small child has fallen asleep? Or is this toooo specific?

Black schmutz, did you say?

There she goes, puttin’ on perfume for her Zoom meeting.

This couldn’t go wrong. Next stop, schools

Pros: moose-inspired hooves Cons: dog-robots

I live with a monster! 😭😭😭😭 I will bake new brownies and put divorce papers in the center square

New period’s about to drop!

Hahah Elon Musk

I cannot fucking stand the trend of aggressive nose contouring with make up. No, you not need a petite Aryan nose to be beautiful.