Sometimes I wonder how my bf stays so much fitter than me… last night he got up to get a snack in the kitchen and I got a notification on my watch that said “congratulate Stephen on his active day! He has closed all of his activity rings!” Bro he’s standing in front of me eating

Sometimes I miss the “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” line before my song started after I downloaded it illegally

I went online just to SEE what a ticket to Taylor Swift’s Seattle show would cost me and the lowest price is $850 and I truly don’t think I even have an acquaintance that would take that plunge with me 🥲

If you don’t check your alarm at least 9 times, did you even set one?

If you have at least once friend in your adult life that gives you “sleepover laughs” that’s all you need. Like the uncontrollable nothing’s even funny laughter til your stomach hurts kind of thing. If you have that, you’re good.

My mom just asked me if I’ve ever tried e transferring

The dog was heading for the kitchen where I was frustrated about something I was cooking and I hear my boyfriend whisper to the dog “now is not a good time to piss off josie” Everyone in the house is scared of me

Love is blind live reunion not working is making me blind with rage so I guess love is truly blind. They’re taking “sight unseen” to the next level by literally not playing the special

Over the weekend a 21 year old man at the bar told me I seemed like the “mom of the group” and then asked me for my Snapchat I’m officially old 😂😂😂

Listen, when I win the Oilers 50/50 tonight I’m gonna become the biggest Oilers fan this world ever did see and that’s final

K does anyone else remember that robot that you could add on MSN and it would answer your questions right away? I just asked my cohost and he replied “no I had real friends” so can someone else chime in 😂

If you ever want to know how much marble cheese you’re capable of eating in one sitting just go to Danaye Maier’s house for like an hour and you’ll find out

Whenever I think I look good, I remember pics of what I thought looked good in university and realize I probably will think I looked like shit today in 10 years

Do you ever stop all these years later and think to yourself “damn how was Lunette from big comfy couch so flexible” or no

If you ever want to feel less intimidated by someone just picture them having their frozen ass open mouth drilled at the dentist wearing those clear goggles

Zach Bryan is such an amazing musician and also gives me the vibe that he’d never put up with my shit if we were dating

Once when I was little, another kid said “when the sky is pink in the morning, it’s a sailor’s warning” and to this day whenever the sky is pink in the morning I think “oh no” even though I have no proof that this quote means anything at all 😂

Our internet guy is here and had to call his own company to ask a question and he’s on hold with the “your call is important to us” music playing… no one is safe

My boyfriend hates when I call him “Steve-o” cause he said it’s very bro, so since he owns our house I’m gonna call him “landlord Steve-o” instead. Much more romantic.

Just another solid week of “starting a new healthy life on Monday” then giving up by Wednesday and now it’s Thursday and I’ve failed again but next Monday is only DAYS AWAY AND I WILL START THEN