Cancelling a date, because I don’t want to miss the season premiere of Young Sheldon

Anyone know a female sword swallower? I wanna test something out.

Funny Tweets… I think the algorithm is broken

Oh fuck yeah!

If you think coffee makes you shit, just wait until you try cocaine

Haven't gotten an erection all year

Hey guys, hate to be this guy, but with Elon Musk taking over Twitter, I’m going to stop posting on here.

Black Scooby Doo slaps

Old Kirk emerges on the final play of the season

H&R Block really wants me to cum

Adam Silver is the best commissioner of any of the major pro sports right now, right?

I love when comedians get rich and their podcast stops being funny and just turns into a series motivational talks for the troubled men who listen to them.

Sometimes I think that comics promoting their shows is depressing and then I see their posts when they’re not promoting shows, and I’m like, holy shit

Remember when you walked up to me and said this?

Watched Oppenheimer last night. I see a lot myself in him. Dude got tons of pussy.

Being mentally ill rips

If you think your grandparents are racist, imagine how racist sea turtles are.

I don’t know if this is still a thing, but I’m definitely in my shitting blood era

Man, I hope Kelce and Swift have fluid-bonded

Yeah man, I’m a piece of shit