Assign me a variety of tasks on Cameo cameo.com/jordanschlansky

20 years ago today, with Conan O'Brien in New York

It just doesn't make any sense to put your shirt on before your deodorant

Sometimes rinsing takes longer than washing

Happy Canada Day to my friends up north. I have a deep respect for your rich heritage and the relaxed raw cheese regulations in Quebec.

Superheroes need to check into their hotels just like everybody else

I like to live on the edge, but I consider the risk/reward ratio of resting an arm outside of a moving car window to be unfavorable

There's a fine line between sauté and fry

We should be thankful that there are people willing to play the tuba

Eventually we'll learn to avoid disappointment and wasted cookies by making more chocolate chip and fewer oatmeal

I prefer evian alone, Ferrarelle with food, and Gerolsteiner (USA) after espresso x.com/scootsie34/sta…

It's time to acknowledge that urinals have a problem with splashback

Since we know that each generation of car design gets curvier, we should just skip ahead and double the amount of curves we add next time

I'm confident I have the strength and balance to use an airplane restroom even while the seatbelt sign is on

Imagine how the Spanish speaking world must feel about the way we pronounce Los Angeles x.com/erinbacca/stat…

14 years ago today instagr.am/p/BBYIweNF79_

This does not happen at LAX instagr.am/p/BB04X-AF7yI

Bergamot essential oil Earl Grey black steeped at 212 Fahrenheit x.com/HughDeFrance/s…

I'm definitely the only person on this airplane that knows that Jerry Speiser was the drummer for Men at Work

Canine augmentation by Snapchat: jordanschlansky