Points!

Summer? I already yearn for winter. The barren white, the air's crispness, smoke ri--  Okay, I just really like pissing my name in the snow.

I'm like anybody else; I just want to be loved. And by "loved," of course, I mean offered free beer.

I taught a man to fish and he made lemonade. Ungrateful bastard.

So, my doctor and my psychotherapist have three things in common: they're both ginger; they both charge too much; and they both say I should already be dead. So I've got that going for me. I have seen the coming storm and it is me. Nev-- JUST JOKING! My doctors aren't ginger.

Since I cannot tell a lie, it is vital that I tell you this: I am incapable of telling the truth.

ME: "I'm worried people will say mean things about me when I die." HER: "They won't." ME: "Oh thank God." HER: "...Because nobody will give a shit."

Hey fast fall asleeperers, nobody likes you.

Chickie knows what you did. Oh, she knows. And you ... are .... so ... screwed.

ME: "They had a love that could survive his showering-optional lifestyle." WIFE: "Don't be so sure."

WORDS I WISH I USED MORE OFTEN NUMBER 943: horticulture. USAGE: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her appreciate art.

Yes, I clean the toilet in my birthday suit singing "Speed Racer" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. Does that make me some kind of weirdo? Oh.

Tonight on Chia Pets Gone Wild...

Imagine hating diversity, but not dictatorship. #NoKings #NoKingsDay

Scenes from our protest in today's "NO KINGS" march in North Carolina. #NoKingsDay #NoKings #NoKingsProtest #NoKingsInAmerica

#HappyFathersDay

Don't. Just ... ... ... don't.

Somebody's gonna hurt someone Before the night is through. Somebody's gonna come undone. There's nothin' we can do. ... There's gonna be a heartache tonight A heartache tonight, I know. There's gonna be a heartache tonight A heartache tonight, I know.

This is how you know we're in the End Times.

Current #mood...