Like wtf was this pass😭

They should make a pillow that doesn’t amplify your own pulse into your ear

I wish clean shirts felt as good as clean sheets

Was up at 3 AM eating cantaloupe

God I love when my daughter calls soda “cola”

Lost power from all this wind - febreze plug in isn’t spraying

I’ve been avoiding it (the flu) like it’s the plague

My hoodie sweatshirt strings are never even anymore

I don’t listen to him on purpose, but everytime I hear YFN Lucci, I gotta admit I like him

I wish John Wall had had the career sga is having

The person who invented Mad-Libs is a sick, twisted, freak

You know how proud Sara Bareilles’ mom must be of her?

there's really no reasonable explantion for what he's doing lol

Ric flair wooing in my son’s face cause the trash just got picked up. We needed an empty bin badly

This crowd wouldn’t recognize talent if it hit ‘em in the face

You, your children, and your children’s children will dig for 100 years And you will neeeeever find it

[Over the intercom at a really big supermarket]: Cleanup on aisle 52,000

We hired someone new at my work, should I make up a completely new “fun fact” about myself like that I like you rock climb?