Say what you want but it was polite of Iron Man to introduce himself at the beginning of that song.

👏STOP👏 UNDERESTIMATING 👏THE 👏ABILITY 👏OF 👏BABIES 👏TO 👏HANG 👏ONTO👏 CANDY!👏

I have 20k followers. If at least 13,000 of you don't retweet "Mr. Yoo Hoo" as a nickname for Hugh Hewitt, chief on-call apologist for Trump, I will be very, very disappointed in you. I will unfollow you AND savage you, personally, in tweets.

since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands

a lot of people are eulogizing Angela Lansbury by saying she was in the 1944 film Gaslight but she never was???? bizarre and insane belief to think she was in that movie

My friend Jason Roeder wrote a hilarious book! You'll never grieve like an amateur again. store.mcsweeneys.net/products/grief…

Did you know if you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by an ermine?

When someone is naked and face down on your massage table, you can’t just ask them if they’ve seen The Whale. I know this now.

I can never remember the name of this place.

Paul Simon: Hello darkness, my old friend. Me, Darkness, trying desperately to remember his name: Oh my god hiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

bro are you seriously strumming my pain with your fingers rn

Why does a can of biscuits open like that. Is life not scary enough

Today's the day to celebrate Pickett's Charge! mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-g…

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

"Try to hold the party when your kids are at the ideal age, around 5 or 6. At this stage, they’re old enough to comprehend concepts like the ancien régime, the alliance of the rising bourgeoisie, and the resentment of royal absolutism." 🇫🇷 mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-b…

First day in prison, run up to the biggest guy and beg him not to hurt you. That sends a message: don't hurt this guy, he doesn't like it.

In some sense, Ringo Starr could be considered "The Fourth Beatle."

I'm so happy that I married my best friend. My wife is sure mad about it, though. She hates Dale.

Come to think of it, if someone really was playing the world's smallest violin just for me, I'd be quite flattered.